Fading with Time

I never imagined those these words to be true, but feelings, thoughts, and even passion....they can all fade with time. Time has crept up and stolen away so many memories. I am a 10 days and 14 hours away from once again stepping foot on my beloved Burkina. I never dreamed that I would be going back so soon, and yet here I am, bag packed (yes only one bag this time in comparison to the 8 I took before) and more anxious than ever to get on that plane.

On June 30th this past summer I found out I would be going back to Burkina for a short 11 day stint to work with a team from Franklin, building the new STMO center (where I will hopefully one day soon be living). When I committed to going I naively assumed that the preparation for this trip, spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally would be simple and insignificant. I mean c'mon I had been to Burkina twice already and lived there for 6 months, what could I possibly be in for before going again? Little did I know at that time that my confidence would bring about extreme vulnerability and many trials in the months to come. It wasn't until just 2 weeks ago did I start to really see and literally feel the effects of attack I was under. I woke up one morning with 2 what I deemed 'spider bites' on my neck and an extremely sore and swelling throat. Within a matter of hours the 'spider bites' had gotten worse and would continue to get worse for the next few days. Being in a Microbiology class I found it rather ironic that the Professor was talking about MRSA (a staph infection) that was easily mistaken for 'spider bites' and knowing that at least once that week I was in the Lab with a dirty lab coat working very closely with the MRSA bacteria I began to get a little worried. I asked my professor what he thought it could be and his response was, well, rather far fetched...He thought ring worm...None the less I headed to the doctor, for the first time in years only to discover I was presently the wonderful recipient of SHINGLES! What in the world? Shingles? Who even gets shingles? I hadn't had chicken pox and that is what the virus is derived from, I was utterly confused and beginning to be in a lot of pain with constant itching and an extremely swollen throat. I was immediately prescribed a genital herpes medicine and vicatin, 2 lovely combinations. After about a week of the shingles slowly getting worse and then fading I started to notice other patches of similar red itchy bite like patches all over different areas of my body. Out of the normal for me I returned to the doctor to now discover that I was a wonderful candidate of HIVES...at this point I just began to laugh, and joked to the Doctor that the next week I would be in with Bed bugs. It was during these 2 miserable weeks that I realized I was in fact under attack. The naive confidence I had had become humility and would begin a week of awakening in my life. I sat down just sunday with my boyfriend Dane who confronted me about my joy and passion for God. He said something that opened an area in my heart I had shut out since I came home from Burkina in december. I began to pour out my heart about all of the stuff I had been carrying since coming home. Things I just stacked one on top of the other putting God at the bottom of it all, I knew that deepening my intimacy with him meant I had to deal with all of these things, obstacles, emotions and experiences that I hadn't dealt with but rather just hid behind for this entire year. Everyone told me the transition back would take awhile and I would feel the effects of my time there for the rest of my life but I had no idea it would take me almost an entire year to confront with God the things I witnessed and the things I was carrying since coming back. A lot has changed in my life since that year but the passion and love I felt during my time there has not left, it's just been suppressed and unfortunately so. So yesterday was a day of awakening, a day of new beginnings, a 6 hour drive that turned out to be 8 grueling hours in the car alone, just me and God. A time where I could begin to un-shovel the stack of things I had piled on in my life that allowed me to hide from the reality of dealing with the difficult emotions. And so here I sit, renewed, and genuinely excited about what is to come in 10 days, and what is to coming during these 10 days of preparation. Before this past week I had hoped that this trip would bring to fruition and conclusion all of what I was hiding from but now I am praying that it brings about more upheaval in my life and more burning passion in my service. Stay posted to see how these next 10 days lay out and what going back to a place I have been craving to be for the entire year I have been home.